You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
