you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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