the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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