The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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