I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
