Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
