she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
