Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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