Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
