i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
