i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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