Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Less talking, more tequila
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
