He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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