I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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