so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
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