Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
