I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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