Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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