Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
