Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
