Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
