He uses pillows to masturbate.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
