i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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