I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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