Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
