Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
