I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
