btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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