i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize