are you still at the devil's house?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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