come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
