he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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