sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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