remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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