I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
