ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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