I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
