just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
