i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
