we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
