when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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