I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
