at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
