I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
