I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
