I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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