What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
