I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
