Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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