I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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