So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
