Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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