he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
where am i from again
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
