Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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