Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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