you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
