Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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