Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
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Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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