Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
