Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
