I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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