I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
